Oct. 4th, 2011

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I have a maths midterm tomorrow, and I know I say this about every test I take, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail. I've been looking at old exam papers, and none of it even looks like a real form of human communication. The first two questions defeat me utterly.

Then I logged on to the online assignments to see if anything was due - oh, shit, I missed two weeks of assignments without noticing. How the hell did I even do that? And as for the ones that are due next week - psh, I can't for the life of me work out what I'm supposed to be doing.

I am so hopelessly behind, and while some of that has been due to external circumstance - it's hard to reliably do online homework with a broken computer; not having the textbook makes it hard to do the written practice - a lot of that is just because I am too much of a spacey ass to be able to keep tabs on three whole courses. I just. I can't. I can make it to my two lectures in the mornings, I can scrape through my labs sort of kind of, I can go to my tutorials and pretend to sound like I know what's going on, but truthfully? I am absorbing almost none of the information that's coming at me. I can't make myself go to the open office hours. I can't discipline myself to sit down and study.

And now that I AM this mired in failure, breaking out of that is a Herculean task, and even beyond that, requires that I actually prostrate myself and admit that yes, I am that student, the bad kid who can't keep track of his courses. I am just as scared of opening myself up to disappointment/disapproval as I am of actually failing or having to drop a course.

So what do I do instead? Refuse to even look at my course materials because I've built them up into this scary confusing oh shit oh shit oh shit monster, and avoid having to face that anxiety/stress by just shutting off entirely and doing pointless shit on the internet. Okay, fine - this week has been really busy, and some of the pointless shit I'm doing is, you know, social interaction with actual human beings (I have a lot of lost ground! I mean, I'm making up for that 3-4 month stretch where I didn't leave the house voluntarily!) and going to group to deal with a fairly major, time-and-brain consuming illness, but... Those aren't fucking excuses! I should be able to just... handle my shit.

So sick of this. So sick of this.


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