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[personal profile] sc0urge
I'm supposed to be completing pre-lab excercises before my first Chem 281 lab session tomorrow, and doing precalculus homework, and revising biology because the midterm is - oh my days - not that far away. Of course the logical thing to do in this situation is sit here listening to Lady Gaga and writing up a blog entry. Obviously.

The second group therapy meeting was today. It's slowly feeling a little less awkward to be in this group of pretty, outwardly-heteronormative women, as I get to know them as people and not as statistics on the prevalence of a disorder across different demographics. It's not perfect - there is one girl (names of course omitted) who seems to have some trouble focusing/maintaining a train of thought. That's okay. I'm not going to start judging her brain and thought processes; she's nice, and friendly, and deeply insightful, and sensitive. Today she asked if I'd be the spokeswoman for our group, then corrected herself and said 'spokesperson'. I... don't know how I feel, exactly? I appreciate that she caught and corrected herself, and I definitely appreciate that it was not deliberate, but at the same time, I guess being in kind of an emotionally vulnerable atmosphere like that just makes everything feel wrong. Maybe it's not that - I think today has just been sort of a gloomy day. Glum. (Bluh, sorry this is so stupid - Livejournal is apparently my Tertiary Therapist blugh.)

(Also I'm really sick of using 'I' statements, but it's only going to get worse in this entry. Facepalm.)

Some days there's just this feeling in my skin and bones, or maybe in all the roots of my nerves, that just wants another human being's touch. Not in a sexy way or even a romantic way; I just... want to have an arm around my shoulder, or a hand in my hair, or a knee against mine. This is probably a very basic human thing, and totally normal, but the awareness of it is strange to me, feels like weakness even when I know it really isn't. But part of it, I know, is that I have a tendency to retreat into this space of white noise and no feeling when my emotions feel ragged, and when I'm worn down and emotionally tired and, well... loneliness comes into it, too. The feeling of skin, or of warmth, or just vaguely yielding pressure - that is so grounding. It makes it so hard to detach and get lost in the buzzing. I don't feel real, but I know that there is someone in the universe who IS, and I can just... sense that person. This is coming out way crazier than I thought it would sound. Damn.

Anyway - today, in that group session, I was feeling all staticky, and had nobody to touch, because... asking for a hug in the middle of therapy is too fucking weird and let's not even start down that kind of touchy-feely bull. No. So I doodled fanart of a character dying messily in chains. And for some reason that helped. Maybe because a fictional character is kind of like another person, and stroking the lines and shades of their body is kind of like receiving a hug. And drawing burned hands and bleeding whipmarks and a protruding arrow shaft is kind of like making an emotional connection.
All of the above sounds like kind of a stupid tangent. It kind of was. I think the point was that I was feeling kind of triggered at the start of the meeting and it just kind of carried through? I don't know. Ugh.

Date: 2011-09-21 01:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Son, LJ is everybody's Tertiary Therapist. (Why Tertiary, though? Shouldn't it be the other way around, since LJ is all Internet-technical-fancy, as opposed to good 'ol people?)
LJ is also for 'I' statements.

You don't sound crazy in the slightest. I wish I could be there to hold you, and doodle with your hair. <3 Actually, though I don't think I could do it in the middle of a therapy session at all, either, I've definitely had a lot of times at school where I really just wanted a good, damn-ass hug. xD I can get one from my mom anytime, but at school, it's usually under specific circumstances, or if I ask. And I have asked. Especially from cozy, older sister-types. Maybe I can't huge them as long as I would like - because that would be awkward for them, I imagine - but I guess that does help.
And actually, I know exactly what you're talking about, too, about, "stroking the lines and shades of their body"!! It's soothing in the same way that listening to Lauren Luke's makeup tutorials is soothing (or maybe not xP): the sound of her voice, and her gentle way of talking give me this soft, sort of stroking feeling in my belly that's very calming. :) But I've drawn mutilated people when I'm feeling perfectly happy, too, so I don't know what that's about. :P

Date: 2011-09-22 05:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I just meant because I'm seeing two real live humans for kind of the same purpose, so if we're including LJ I'm up to three. Then again, I guess LJ has seniority by no small measure...!

Also I love you and you have an amazing understanding of things that looked too weird to make sense to me. That is pretty close to a hug. :)


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