sc0urge: (solidor)
[personal profile] sc0urge
I'm supposed to be completing pre-lab excercises before my first Chem 281 lab session tomorrow, and doing precalculus homework, and revising biology because the midterm is - oh my days - not that far away. Of course the logical thing to do in this situation is sit here listening to Lady Gaga and writing up a blog entry. Obviously.

The second group therapy meeting was today. It's slowly feeling a little less awkward to be in this group of pretty, outwardly-heteronormative women, as I get to know them as people and not as statistics on the prevalence of a disorder across different demographics. It's not perfect - there is one girl (names of course omitted) who seems to have some trouble focusing/maintaining a train of thought. That's okay. I'm not going to start judging her brain and thought processes; she's nice, and friendly, and deeply insightful, and sensitive. Today she asked if I'd be the spokeswoman for our group, then corrected herself and said 'spokesperson'. I... don't know how I feel, exactly? I appreciate that she caught and corrected herself, and I definitely appreciate that it was not deliberate, but at the same time, I guess being in kind of an emotionally vulnerable atmosphere like that just makes everything feel wrong. Maybe it's not that - I think today has just been sort of a gloomy day. Glum. (Bluh, sorry this is so stupid - Livejournal is apparently my Tertiary Therapist blugh.)

(Also I'm really sick of using 'I' statements, but it's only going to get worse in this entry. Facepalm.)

Some days there's just this feeling in my skin and bones, or maybe in all the roots of my nerves, that just wants another human being's touch. Not in a sexy way or even a romantic way; I just... want to have an arm around my shoulder, or a hand in my hair, or a knee against mine. This is probably a very basic human thing, and totally normal, but the awareness of it is strange to me, feels like weakness even when I know it really isn't. But part of it, I know, is that I have a tendency to retreat into this space of white noise and no feeling when my emotions feel ragged, and when I'm worn down and emotionally tired and, well... loneliness comes into it, too. The feeling of skin, or of warmth, or just vaguely yielding pressure - that is so grounding. It makes it so hard to detach and get lost in the buzzing. I don't feel real, but I know that there is someone in the universe who IS, and I can just... sense that person. This is coming out way crazier than I thought it would sound. Damn.

Anyway - today, in that group session, I was feeling all staticky, and had nobody to touch, because... asking for a hug in the middle of therapy is too fucking weird and let's not even start down that kind of touchy-feely bull. No. So I doodled fanart of a character dying messily in chains. And for some reason that helped. Maybe because a fictional character is kind of like another person, and stroking the lines and shades of their body is kind of like receiving a hug. And drawing burned hands and bleeding whipmarks and a protruding arrow shaft is kind of like making an emotional connection.
All of the above sounds like kind of a stupid tangent. It kind of was. I think the point was that I was feeling kind of triggered at the start of the meeting and it just kind of carried through? I don't know. Ugh.
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November 2013

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