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Having been so leery of human contact and so quick to convince myself that I could not possibly be wanted in social situations, I now have no idea what to do when placed in the position of being wanted - especially romantically. I guess it's nice in an abstract sense to hear that there are people who think I'm attractive in some sense, in that sort of 'I have no love for me but I'll take some of yours' way, but it also feels frightening. If someone else invests feelings in me, what do I do with that?

It's so much easier to like someone and quash that because you're sure they'd never reciprocate...

This has been a 'Jack goes through middle and high school social development 2-8 years late' post, brought to you by the letter 'vanity' and the number 'just shut up already.'

Date: 2012-04-23 02:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
No, don't shut up. But cripes, I completely missed this post by a very long time!
This would be the fault of my long, complete absence from LiveJournal. :-/ Sorry.

By now, though, I guess this whole shebang has sort of gone through another cycle... I had a conversation with a friend at Lewis & Clark once that reminds me of this, though. I say conversation, because "argument" sounds too strong, and "debate" sounds like there was actual effort involved in research or presenting some sort of point rather more academically sound than, "Well, I think this / had this experience/ knew a person who had this experience / So there!" :P Basically, though, my friend, Ray, was arguing that a person can't truly love someone else until they love themselves. I was arguing in the opposite vein (well, not entirely opposite in that one needs to hate oneself, but just that I didn't think it was necessary, and that perhaps coming to accept oneself a little more as a necessary consequence of loving someone else). This was a completely personal talk, of course, because Ray was talking about his then-girlfriend, and the fact that, as he readily said, he loves himself. I said I didn't feel that way about myself at all, though I don't now remember whether I said "hate" or "don't like," etc. about myself. I was thinking of you.
I haven't thought much about that conversation since then, but I still don't think it's something that can be declared in absolutes. Certainly, I guess, it helps not to having feelings of abhorrence for onself, but as I said earlier, I think that's something that, if if anywhere near the case for the person entering a relationship/generally loving someone else, being loved in reciprocity would, I think, begin to change that.
*blatherblather* My ability to express myself in English is rusty. >.


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