Nov. 10th, 2012 05:07 pm
sc0urge: (Default)
Today I have neither been able to motivate myself to write, nor to draw, nor to work on school work. So instead I baked a pan of muffins and a batch of cookies. Productivity! It's fun!

Oh well. I suppose I could have spent the day lying in bed...

Some words. )
sc0urge: (Default)
I really wish I could be a good student but it's just so hard. But it's not even hard for reasons I think I can adequately explain?

It's just so overwhelming and scary and I have to keep track of dates and times and people and papers and books and notes and that's without even thinking of the contents of the courses themselves.

I just want to not feel a rising swell of panic every time I open my calendar or my school website or my textbook or my notes or my student email, because I'm so sure that I've forgotten an assignment or missed a class or done the wrong reading or gone to the wrong room or... anything, really.

It doesn't even help to think that screwing up one assignment, second week of term, wouldn't be The End, because I have this crushing fear that having missed one assignment makes me a miserable failure, will turn my profs and TAs against me Forever and... well, in the past it mostly has led to me panicking, balking, and running away entirely. Skipping class. Skipping lab. Skipping tutorial. This summer I took two online courses, missed one deadline, and panicked so wildly I skipped out on two whole courses and put myself back on academic probation.

Sometimes I want to just drop out because it causes me so much anxiety, but I love learning in lectures and I need to be able to see my counselor and doctor at the school (because trusting doctors is hard and scary) and I can't even seem to find a minimum-wage, crappy-hours, no-benefits job to hire me, so I'm not sure what else I could do.
sc0urge: (Default)
Not only is my tablet dead (can't tell the difference between hovering-over to move the cursor and pressing down to click/draw), it seems I've also managed to destroy my USB mouse (only intermittently connects, can't find which wire is loose to fix it).

Which means I am stuck with just my laptop trackpad. Again.

And for a few brief moments I've had the compulsion to draw some things, for once. Damnit universe. My thumbs do not love you right now. Guess I'll just have to go write this angsty fanfiction instead, you asshole. Such suffering. How do I deal. :|

Other than that - it's a lovely grey day today, so I'm sitting outside in the courtyard by the shops and the transit exchange on campus, by the fountain. Other than the buses and the rush of falling water, it's rather subdued. There's an electronic sign across from me that says it's sixteen degrees out, but my fingers feel cooler than that, so I guess I might pack up and relocate to the library in a bit.

Also, since I have enthusiastically shared this with every flesh-and-blood-interactions human currently in my life: EEE lab this Wednesday EEE! Basic evolution-ey stuff, so there wasn't a lot of playing around with chemicals or knives or whatever, BUT. There was some locust-measuring, which meant I got to manhandle an adorable and remarkably docile locust (Seriously, no hopping, no kicking; it just sat there and let me gather up its four front legs under its body and wrap my palm around its wings and hold its back leg out so we could measure its femur. Such a chill bro.) and have a squee-inducingly chubby little leaf insect drunkenly leaf-dance over my hand (after it was done being scared of all the giant predators around it, which involved some really pathetic/cute 'RAWR I'M BIG LOOK AT ME STICKING MY HANDS IN THE AIR AND ARCHIN' MAH BACK!' posturing). Also there were some stick insects just sitting in a mesh cage acting like sticks, with a printout about their sexual/asexual reproduction and sterile male-appearing genetically-female specimens which show up in lab populations.

On top of that, there was a whole preserved duck wing I could poke at and sketch, so with my task of building three and a half wings in the next three weeks, I was very glad of that. And it was damn neat to have an orange-dyed bat skeleton set in acetate. And the skulls of a grizzly/black bear/wolf/cat/cougar. And replica gorilla/orangutan/chimp/australopithecus/neanderthal/cromagnon/human skulls, even if I gather the teeth were all wrong in the prototype humans.

Squee. Squee everywhere. Well, mostly everywhere, but those places not included by 'mostly' are stupid stupid dumb and... bleh nevermind.

(Still mad at you for the mouse, universe. >:[)
sc0urge: (nureru)
Quotes for this evening:

"Oh Holy Jesus, shit, thank you. I will totally - no, I will not pull a Mary for you, but I will come close."


"No, wait. Oh Heavenly Gods of Mathematics, I will totally have concupiscent relations with you, provided prophylactics are employed."


"Last time I checked, I'm a legal adult. I can post the word 'concupiscent' all over my Livejournal. In fact - actually, no, that sentence does not need to be finished."
sc0urge: (ditto)
I got a call today from the hospital, and now I have an appointment booked for a psych evaluation. Whoo. Thursday after this. And the eating disorder clinic told me they'd put me on a waitlist for group therapy.

Yeah. A waitlist. For group. What the hell? Um, okay, healthcare system. You have utterly convinced me of your efficacy and efficiency. (If they were as disorganised and unsuccessful with treatment for any other life-threatening ailment, would people care then? No? Maybe? I'm not sure which way is more disheartening.)

It's kind of something I think about - treatment for GID and for eating disorders seems... opposed, somehow. The one says 'your mind is right and your body wrong; we need to change the body from its automatic settings so the brain accepts it' and the other says 'your mind is wrong and your body right; we need to change your head so it accepts the body's automatic config.' I know that the adage about never really recovering from an eating disorder is true as far as my anecdata can carry it. I know that GID is treated the way it is because this is the only way that seems to work. But then, I guess with gender dysphoria, the trans individual isn't also dealing with an addiction and obsessive-compulsion. There are probably those who would quite happily get behind the idea that gender dysphoria is rather a body dysmorphia, and all trans people delusional. Ugh. I don't even know.

I wish I wasn't so distrustful of the psychiatric establishment. Especially since I have no reason to feel as such, given a rather scant body of experience on which to base judgement. Maybe I'm burned out on psychologists and family doctors. Maybe I just need to ask, as my first question, why a psychiatrist reading the DSM and listening to my self-reported symptoms is so different from me reading the DSM and evaluating my self-felt symptoms.

I'm also grumpy because the way this lab course is being conducted (online assignments, rushed labs, minimal human teaching) is making me really aggravated, and kind of poisoning my love affair with chemistry. I feel like this isn't a challenging course - it's just Nintendo Hard. Sub out depth for shaky controls. Instant difficulty! Except not in the fun way. Argh.


Nov. 24th, 2010 02:16 pm
sc0urge: (paper)
On a NaNo dare, I had to have a character break all ten fingers in a pretty boring fashion. So I did. Unfortunately for me, this also happened to involve snapping his ankle - only after which did I realise that I would need him able to traipse around all secret-agent saving the Magnate and hitting on girls who could kick his arse.

"Oh crapscones," said I. "It was bad enough when I had Aren with two borked legs and no wheelchairs. Now I have a character with two borked hands on crutches?"

But the solution to the previous problem was a pair of leg braces/splints, and this time around the solution just looks rather like a leg brace.

sc0urge: (grell)
I've watched a bit of the Kuroshitsuji dub up on Funimation's Youtube channel...

It's not as bad as it could be, not by a long shot. I suppose I should have more faith in Funimation; I do usually like their work as a studio. Madam Red actually sounds just right. Surprisingly. Sebastian... well, following after Daisuke Ono is no mean feat. So I mean, I'm trying not to make comparisons, but to take them separately. Which kind of just leaves me picking at his accent. Things like saying 'scone' wrong. :P He's got the typewriter sound down, but his vowels aren't always on form. Though he did say 'amateur' just SO posh-ily. 8D His character is kind of growing on me, I must admit. It's different, but it's not necessarily worse. I do have to give him kudos for managing to say 'one hell of a butler' without it sounding completely wrong against the upper-class accent.

But there is something that bugs the hell out of me. The house staff. Some of my favourite characters, and I think, so far, some of the weakest accent work. It makes me kind of want to cry. Also - why the heck is Bard English in this? He's supposed to be American, isn't he? So why force a distracting fake accent on him? Finny is endearing but not great, Meirin (why aren't they calling her Maylene?) sounds kind of like her Japanese voice but I don't think it translates all that well. Tanaka, however, is AWESOME.

Lizzie sounds a little lower-class, a little Australian sometimes... maybe she gets better as the series goes on and she gets used to her voice. I'm not too keen on Undertaker, though if I hadn't come to love his seiyuu quite so much I might not be so harsh. I think he sounds too gruff and not crazy enough. Lau is... he's okay. Which is kind of how I felt about him in Japanese, really, so I can't complain.

The background voices are kind of distracting; half of them are perfect. The other half are ear-scathing.

I'm deliberately not commenting on Ciel or Grell; I need to see them later on in the series to really be sure of my opinion. I need to hear Ciel breaking down and Grell going batshit. Though I must say that the Ciel-pretending-to-be-a-girl voice was pretty impressive, and the corset scene was unexpectedly still... interesting. :P

So yeah. I think Grell and Angelash will be the swing votes on this. But it's not BAD, really. Just. Not quite as purr-inducing as the original.

*refusing to hate dubs on principle*
sc0urge: (later)
• I used to be able to do 50 push-ups in one go without pause. Today I managed five before I had to put my knees down. FML.

• You know how sometimes your fingernail separates from the finger just a wee bit and you end up with this tiny little open wound under the tip of your fingernail? I gave myself one of those last night peeling a lemon - ouch - and just now as I was taking out the compost and turning it in the bin, I got decomposing vegetable matter in it - ouch again.

• The other day I downloaded a parody bingo sheet of "feminist" discussion about transpeople. I was colouring it in all garish and eye-searing when Kate walked by, took a glance to see what I was doing, and gave a little hurt-puppy sort of whimper. Maybe she didn't see the massive sarcasm quotes?

• Apparently, on TVTropes there's a page dedicated to Men Of A Thousand Voices. I didn't know this was particularly uncommon/special. I mean, Basch and Bloo? Hakoda and Bumi? Serah and Lust? Heck, I'm no master, and even I've been cast as everything from crazy old men to Misa-impersonating lovestruck teenage girls to Cambridge-accented owls and everything in between. I guess I thought it was par for the course that unless you had an extremely marketable voice (why hello there, Vic Mignogna) you just had to be able to do anything and everything. Or that could just be my stage-brain talking, because of course I know next-to-nothing of the inner workings of anything for screen. Or of anything big-budget, really. I suppose in The Real World of People Who Made It, they can afford to pick and chose one-trick ponies?

• So, as much as I've ranted and raved and foamed at the mouth that under no circumstances would I EVER get a kanji tattoo… I now want both kanji AND hanzi tattoos. Wtf, self. The Chinese one is a real, honest-to-god proverb that actually means what it says it does - "better three days without food than one day without tea" and I swear it's just to provide a focal point for a tattoo of a cup of tea with swirly steam and a couple camellia (Sinensis, naturally) branches and flowers. The Japanese is 'kishi kaisei' which apparently is a yojijukugo - a four-character idiom. Heathen that I am, I knew of it first from Ajikan lyrics. *shame* But it a) sounds pretty to say (What's that you say? Song lyrics? Sound pretty? Who would ever have thought of that?) b) looks pretty written out, having been created by people wiser than I, and c) means basically bringing something back from the dead. Which is kind of appropriate for the number of times such things have happened to me. I might get it as a scarification, though, just so I can get away on the technicality that it's not actually a kanji tattoo. I'd have a tattoo… that is hanzi and I'd have kanji… that is not a tattoo. We might also give me a slap upside the head because really, these hangups are pretty fucking stupid since I actually know what they mean and this isn't a case of me asking the Korean girl behind me in class to translate my crush's name into 'Chinese letters' or whateverthefuck it is that causes awful word-salad tattoos. (Like these) And in case anyone's wondering (of course you are) the tea one goes on the left side of my ribcage, and the yojijukugo goes on the inside of my left upper arm. Putting them right next to each other, so if they decide to reenact history, they don't have very far to go to start killing each other.

• While we're on the subject of body modification, I know I want a conch and a rook on opposite sides. I just can't decide which goes where. Oh, and the second piercing in my right lobe just magically decided to double in size yesterday. I had a 4mm talon in it, which was starting to bug me, so I swapped it for one of my black-and-white plugs. Which fell out. So I'm now wearing the Patriotic Frenchman plugs Emily gave me when I was stretching the lower ones. Don't ask me how this happened. I guess I just have rubber ears.

• Is it terribly vain to read through my old work and laugh at my own quips? I don't care, I'm doing it anyway - especially when my old NaNo stories contain such gems as: '...still trying in vain to rearrange her hair in such a manner that she did not look quite so much like she had just been dragged through a hedge backwards - or through a bordello both ways.'
sc0urge: (Default)
Staying up past midnight working on scripts totally turns me into 'Nightmares and Daydreams' Aang.

"How is that going to look on stage with only four Narnian animals well five but the horse is off doing stuff and isn't in their posse but I can only handle four if we want to go the comedia route but how the heck can we do that masks will totally destroy those kids' diction but wait I don't even think we have masks anyway should I start memorising this script for when I need to be co-director and ohshit I'm going to be acting in this two but what part will I play I guess I just need to memorise the whole thing ohshit I still have to get that scene from Twelfth Night I need to be off book by tomorrow actually I guess that's now today frick frick frick oh man we're going to be out late tomorrow I should be asleep what kind of picnic can we pack for being out from eight in the morning to eleven at night how much money do I have for hot drinks because it's going to be cold I wonder if a thermos would last ten hours wait I don't know if they even have a thermos oh for the love of... why am I still awake?"
sc0urge: (flaming)
In case anyone needed confirmation of how brain-dead I can be sometimes, as I was attempting to pack the contents of my room, I picked up a pen and thought 'Nah, British pens don't work in America. I'd need an adapter.' Oh wow. And yes, my first impulse is indeed to post this online. I am a child of my time.

Speaking of my propensity for intermittent idiocy, the chemistry exam this morning was... meh. I forgot how to make an ester. Hoo boy. But I did remember all my mechanisms and structures and splitting patterns and electron densities and Kerkulé rebuttals, so... we'll see. I honestly couldn't say whether I did any better on this sitting than the last. Well, the last go was a relatively sturdy C, and I know I at the very least have that to stick with. Then again, most of the people with whom I spoke after the fact didn't finish the exam paper. But I'm still kind of apprehensive about getting my hopes up. See also: I'm keeping some of my G485 notes. Just in case. I don't want to suddenly need to take a Christmas holiday to the UK to redo an exam, but I'm not discounting the possibility that I completely and utterly failed that module. Hopefully I can redeem myself tomorrow, with G484, but I'm still nervous.

Well. I should probably cease wasting time and start doing some hard-core revision. Wish me luck.
sc0urge: (Default)

Stolen from Abby.
You Are the Innovator

You're the type of person who is always a step ahead of everyone else.

You thrive when you're experimenting with new designs, ideas, and attitudes.

You are a creative person with many talents. You have to have artistic outlets in your life.

You need to create - whether it's writing furiously or redecorating your home. If not, your life becomes chaotic.

You tire of doing the same thing every day. You change your job, friends, and personal style often.

You are at your best when you have a focus. If not, you develop a flaky artist's temperament.

Oh, exams. This is the lull before the last hurrah. I've done five of seven exams, and now I just have one module of physics and one of chemistry - both resits. It's funny. In the US and Canada, it's quite uncommon to resit exams or repeat a year, to the extent where there's somewhat of a stigma attached to it. It's like you automatically lose your status as a 'good' kid or a 'smart' one the second you sign up for the next sitting of the exam. Strangely, even moreso than if you just accepted the failing grade and went and did something else. Is there some underlying assumption that the 'mature' thing to do is to follow on only doing those things for which you naturally have an aptitude? Why is it, that when we're told from infancy to try and try again no matter what happens, the expectation of us as adults is quite contrary to that. What, we hit puberty and suddenly 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results' supplants 'If at first you don't succeed, try and try again'? I don't get it.

Um. Rant above: possibly I'm just really, really anxious about the latest exam. Merciful dancing heavens above. That was rough. Like, reduced-to-tears rough. Like, made-me-question-my-validity-as-a-person rough. I wish I was exaggerating. But it's one of those things; from childhood, I've been 'the skinny one,' 'the smart one,' and I've grown up conforming to those two. It's been who I am, the mold into which I've poured the shapeless softness of my indistinct and uncertain psyche. I've built up a character which plays into those two. I just wish I wasn't reliant on them.


Nov. 9th, 2009 09:28 pm
sc0urge: (Default)
Okay, I'm doing NaNoWriMo. I'm a masochist, I know. But yeah, I like what I'm writing. It's all steampunky and Guy Fawkes-ey and it has a charismatic bastard of a magician and a whole load of characters of questionable sexuality and bizarre names and yeah.

Can't blog. Must write.

(Never mind that I have an assessed practical for Chemistry and an essay due tomorrow, a resit test on Thursday, as well as another essay due, and Les Mis rehearsals besides, and I still need to organize the Ravenclaw musical - God this timing is awful with Les Mis, I mean what the crap is with having a major school production and then two weeks later trying to put on a decent cabaret? GAH.)

Hey Y'all

Mar. 29th, 2007 10:34 pm
sc0urge: (Default)
I think I'm coming down with a chest cold. Or chest-allergies. Or something. My throat is all thick and I keep coughing. Bleah. Sore throat, too, from the mucousy crap.

Y'know, enough complaining.

There's this assignment for socials, where we had to draw pictures and write captions and blah blah blah. Anyway, I wanted to slack off and draw cartoons, and my buddy Rylan is about as visual as a blind cave toad. So I get to slack off and draw cartoons, and he gets to write. Win-win. Especially since I get to do the cartoons in manga format. :D I have figured out how to write Napoleon in katakana, and this thing does indeed read from right to left.

Also, within the first page, there is a short joke. Napoleon has flames springing up around him, which totally owns anything Edward Elric has done so far. Except maybe hucking plebes around.

I was born for this. And now, I suppose, I should work.


Nov. 11th, 2006 01:21 pm
sc0urge: (asshole)
My muse gave me a plot last night. My relief is tempered by the fact that this will be NaNoWri20days rather than a full month. I am perhaps a bit scared. Just a little bit.


Working Title(s): 36, Faery's Daughter
Word Count: 2429
Number of Main Characters: 2, possibly 3, will be 4 very shortly
Current Body Count: 1
Gaping Plot Holes: 1
Genre: YA, Modern Fantasy
Caffeinated beverages consumed today: 2 1/2
" " " in total: A lot.
Sanity: Nominal
Panic: Rising
Dares Taken: 2
Planning to Use: 23
Time left: Twenty days.

If I'd been going at the ideal 1667/day pace, I'd have 16670 words. So I'm 14241 words behind.

I have 47571 words left to write. I'll need to write 2379 words a day to finish. Or, I could try to catch up in ten days, and write 3092 words a day for ten days, then slow down to 1667.

Or I could just shut up and write.

*Kadaj-esque scream*


sc0urge: (Default)

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